I lost my will to tell the stories of my life on Feb 14 of this year. I found solace in the favored novels of my past, in the scratch n pop of the music. In the patter and lives of my brethren. I spread the ashes of my mermaid, I took her kids as my own…I hiked the trails as if I could exorcise the pain inside me and when that didn’t work, I got drunk with my demons as often as I could… I worked so hard as if my dead would rise through my good deeds. I took on more and more. Because if I filled up the minutes of every hour, I didn’t have to remember. I didn’t have to mourn all the endings.
Somehow, IN this darkness, in moments of raw fury, from a heated passion ….in our 40’s we created a child…. AGAINST EVERY ODD and with every brick in my body’s temple stacked against us… yet this beautiful boy bean grows so strong.
The pregnancy has been so fucking hard. Constant fear for my and the bean’s health. White knuckling thru nights and crying in closets, pantry and showers, so no one could hear me. Wondering what in the hell I was doing… if I die what will the fallout be for my son, for Kik’s kids… could I handle it if the bean didn’t make it… if there was a ghost in my soul, I hunted it. I let the boogie man in and threw my self at him.
It was and is constant loop in my head…leave from my job, constant fear, little rest… Worry about money, in and out of the hospital…My son’s jealousy and acceptance… my mother’s intense fear she will lose her only daughter…then my moms cancer diagnosis, my Godchildren’s grief. Sully going into the private sector after a liftime of service work. The nightmares of the past. The many friends who passive aggressively told me I’m insane having a child at my age & with my reproduction n health issues… over n over again…
But somehow…I kept going, willing this bean to grow…I bent to the will of the Drs and my beautiful man. Sully & I learned each other, beyond the FACTS gained from two decades of friendship. Life continued in this house coexisting along side the shade of death.
The self hatred, while quiet was insidious. There was so much change in our lives…it ate at me. I was truly afraid to hope, to see the beauty in my body as a vessel of life. The nursery sat in boxes and bags. Sully would start painting a wall and I would shake n cry, buying into a snake oil voodoo fear. The poor man has assembled the crib and unassembled it at 2am fighting off his own tears. He hid in the cold garage and fixed up an old bassinet…he asked his mom for his childhood books. He bought blankets, found a tiny plaid shirt,a Saints onesie and Seahawks bib. He amassed a collection of silly tees with Dad jokes on them. He hid all of this in his closet. Visiting his hope each day and dipping into his prayers with a smile.
He held me so gently in the night as my stomach ached and I recounted every bad thing that’s ever happened. He made hour long drives to buy me a specific pickle. He took me to a lodge on the mountain where Kiks ashes r spread n gave me a red balloon so I could let our baby news float up n whisper to her.
He kissed my naked skin, every inch, ever scar, every mark. He made me feel beautiful in the space between our bodies as he so carefully loved me. A contrast to our usual wild n tumble sexual style.
On his birthday he put a ring on my finger as if no other man had ever dared to love me as much as he does. He asked me in the same place he first told me he loved me. He told me I was a storm and he could only ever ask me in the rain.
Yet still, the inner turmoil bubbled.
Last time I felt hope like this, I got on a plane, with Taylor Swift singing Begin AGAIN in my ears and moved to the UK. Marking the darkest period of my life…I’ve grown so used to surviving the bad I don’t trust the good.
Last night, Sully caught me staring at him. He cupped my face with his big paw n kissed me so gently, it made my heart ache.
He turned out the lights n lay beside me and told the baby in my belly the story of when I drew a heart on his chest and he fell in love with me, so very many years ago.
This morning we were like fresh young lovers. Excitement was palpable. Gentle music was playing and the heartbeat of our child kept time. And then… I weep as I write this, my beautiful Shepard was visible… we watched the monitor as he moved and wiggled. Just as when I was child of 8, I was rendered speechless.
I opened my mouth to speak and no sound escaped. I held Sullys hand so tightly, I let hope in, I allowed myself a different ending to this dream. And then the baby bean smiled and all the words broke free baptised with more tears… My voice whispered yet echoed in my soul… “he has your smile.”
The grin that melts my heart, that comforts me, that beguiling charming as hell rakish twist of lips.
We left beaming and in tears. I danced in the rain and he laughed smiling wide. We kissed in the truck and sent the photos to our parents. I immediately sent the photos to the baby bean’s namesake, my first Shepard …my Monsignor. Who rung me straightaway… words of love, of history, of grief n hope were exchanged.
He asked his god to look after me, he asked me again to forgive Andy… and then he repeated this and I actually heard it…
“If you cannot forgive this man and his sins, then forgive yourself, release the past, release your choices made. Release the pain. Allow the light in. Rejoice in the present.”
I cried, again.
I sat down in the center of our bed when got home and watched the rain. I relived every moment that took me from the UK to here, to this moment. I stared at the pictures of our unborn baby. I got up and began to pace, my past flickering past like an old movie reel. I sat on the floor and with shaking hands I came here n I’ve found my words.
I survived. I told the truth and was still able to breathe when few believed me.
I healed my relationship with my son.
I forgave all of those who judged me by Andys lies.
I made peace with my best girl and I stayed within her reach, until she slipped into the mystic.
I found a place in this world that needed my heart and I set out to take care of what was in my reach.
I paid into my karma. I fought hard for the people who needed me. I stayed true to my passionate nature. I finally let myself love with all of my heart, a man who shows me every day, that while he is as flawed as I am… he loves me without reservation. He became in the truest sense of the team unit name, a man who would lie for me and die for me. I paused in this reflection, in the embracing of my joy and I walked out and asked Sully to build this baby’s crib because, I didn’t give up and die in that field below the Abbey’ s wall. I ran.
I forgive me. I forgive me. I finally forgive me.