The trouble with goodbyes.
A year ago tomorrow, in the dark hours of dawn I gathered all of us together in the room of this house and I held Kiks children near me. I smoothed Dutch’s Superman shirt over his shoulders, reminding him to be brave. I held hands with the only men in my life who seem to understand that loyalty mustn’t wavier in our darkest times. That loyalty is not noble or pretty. It’s about standing at a persons six again and again. It’s about forgiveness and understanding. It’s about not letting the dark horrors of this world fell us. We sang to her, up to the mountain by patty griffin. A fitting tribute for a woman who dedicated her life to the injustice and forgotten. We let her body go as we poured our love brokenly into that song.
Life continued with unrelenting hardships. Infidelity issues. Trouble with ALL of the children in my life as they found trouble adjusting to the next steps in their lives. New jobs, my mothers battle with her health. Sullys brother struggles. Money issues, another friend’s cancer fight… and then there seemed to be a reprieve… I became pregnant, AT 44, the greatest joys of this year, were in moments within this pregnancy gave me such deep hope. A hope of a life that stays, a man that stays, a dream that remains. Every inch of me willed myself to the finish line. And the closer I got the more I became mired in the past. Of every mistake I had ever made. Every wrong road, every twisty dark fear. All I could think of were those that were gone those that had hurt me. Whom, I had hurt and the things in life that are not able to be fixed. The closer to the end of my pregnancy, the closer I got to the knowledge that I might not survive the pregnancy. But I didn’t die…Instead we had a just a few short hours with my beautiful Shepard. But a part of me went into decay.
In its way this goodbye altered me into a crazed creature. The historical often told satire of a person so crippled with grief and rage n self hatered that they exist in a haze. I wound up going to Canada. To visit the man who I have always viewed as my closest friend on earth. My true north. My glass half full. His wife and I had come to a place of friendship again after many years of not speaking. All do to an altercation between my then abusive husband Andy and BL. Issues n a loss within her own family caused her to reach out to me before Christmas. She wanted family and a connection. Her husband was going to be The Godfather of my child. I have a busy house of children n friends. She saw the glow of the fire and felt it beckon her in. If u know me, you know I share everything I have. I welcomed her and she seemed to welcome me. But after I lost my baby, there was a sense of deep unease and fear within me, my grief and anger. The depth of all of my hurt was so visceral. I didnt want to go and visit after we agreed I would.
It wasn’t an easy trip. Though they r kind and giving there was an unease. It didn’t help that my life did not stop in its chaos. My son entering a troubled time of his own, my mother’s health further at risk, and her older age n disoriented thinking making her unmanageable. Sully and I coping with the fact that he had been unfaithful to me at crucial juncture when I need him so much. It’s was a lot of stew to stir. I never stopped feeling uncomfortable but I tried to be a good guest. I love, no I loved BL. There is nothing and I do mean nothing…I wouldn’t have done for him. And I can say for the most part he was an outstanding friend. We never had to fake the easy cheer between us. He told me we were two halves of a whole. We managed a great love by channeling it with moral propriety into a friendship of the ages. He became the one person, the one absolute I could trust without question. A year ago I begged him to speak to Bonnie his wife and ask him to come and see me here in Portland. It was a day after Kiks died. I wasn’t sure I could survive the grief. Sully offered every option, he’d pay for a hotel room for them and BL could just come and see me. Or they could both come here and we lay down our swords and break bread n heal. He refused. I just wanted to see him, because everyone I love is ripped from me so viciously, I was afraid I’d never see him again. I needed him to be my in my zip code in my living room. I needed desperately that friend. To have his hand hold mine as a father does to a child and says you will survive this. He refused. She refused.
So when Bonnie came back around this Dec….while I jumped at the chance to reconnect Sully reacted harshly. He wanted nothing to do with them. He cursed my soft heart, we fought about them again and again…Grief forged a huge chasm in between us as we desperately tried to hold it together. A chance came for me to go to them and I did. I was sitting on the floor laughing with them Sunday night and trying to show them a Hannibal Burgess video about Nola and I accidentally spilled a glass of wine. I jumped up to clean it and the over reaction to it by Bonnie was appalling. I cleaned it leaving it better then it was before and apologized profusely. She stomped upstairs and the damn broke within me. All the uncomfortable feelings of the present intermingled with memories of my mother from the past. I asked her to come downstairs and when I asked her why the over reaction, she said that I had wine in the bedroom and a wine glass n she put a lot of hard work into her Reno up there and if wine spilled the carpet would be ruined. This on almost the last few days of the trip. The answer was so insane, since she and BL knew I had a glass of wine middle of the night if the night terrors woke me, or if the anguish wouldn’t let me sleep. I’m almost 45 fucking years old. N responsible to boot, I asked was this about the fact that I was coping w my grief thru drinking? And I pointedly looked at BL who enjoys his liquor. She wouldn’t be pushed to answer. She said no and yes. Yet I never once was rowdy or left a mess. She brought up a benign incident this that happened 5 years ago after I lost Mac and our baby and he knocked up two other women…. I sat there in shock. Really from five years ago…She pulled on jeans n a sweater and her boots and told us she was going to a hotel. There was not cursing or shouting from me. It was a plea of why r u being like this. BL went to get her , feeling trapped by all of this. I ran in short sleeves n slippers into the thick snow begging her to wind down the window. Begging her to stop this and let’s talk, that there was clearly more at play here . BL got in the car to drive her I begged him to roll down the window he said no Bonnie doesn’t wish to talk. If I had done something wrong , if I had been a drunk fuckup or yelled or anything like that.. their reaction would be acceptable . I started crying begging. And it takes me back to the same place I always go. So as he drove out of that snow packed yard he was was driving out of a sugar cane field.
I can this one time in my life say I did nothing at fault. I let people in so deep. I share so much of me. I feel everything so deeply. This man told me for years I was his hero. He told me I was his twin. He promised me he would be the one person in my life who would never hurt me. He would never walk away. I sat up with him for hours splitting into pieces. And it’s funny how people rewrite their history with u to excuse themselves from blame. It’s funny how people fault me for staying w andy when he beat the living shit out of me. Broken legs arms noses, back injuries torn hamstrings , vertigo from having my head slammed against walls scarred mouth and face. I wasn’t a victim. I was stupid, Andy had a vicious hard insane life before I got to him. I thought if I could get us out of the pub and I could get him help he would change. I thought he was another broken stray I could fix with love. Maybe because I so needed that for myself. In the end, I stayed because I had no money and no place to go. It took Kevin dying and him dragging me down the stairs and beating me viciously to the point of I finally believed him when he said he was gonna kill me. I called ERIC and got out and all I have done since then is try n get past it and rebuild from absolute scratch. To be clear, I didn’t ask BL to chose our friendship over his wife. I asked him to force her to talk this out. To not let a stupid argument ruin us. But he won’t. She has the onset of many problems. Problems that he will not force her to deal with.Serious issues that need a DR not goggle to be treated. Asthis ending between BL and I played out it unleashed the savagely hurt broken little girl in me. And for that I have no forgiveness in my heart. Zero.
I hardly made it home. I spent most of the night in the Er with Sully. There is no drug they can give me…no glass of wine, no escape, no man, no sex, no time that will heal this. He was my true north. He made me believe u can trust people. He said I’ll never hurt u Newty, I’ll never leave . I’ll always stay. I’ll be that person for u, He threw that away over the overreaction of the demented rambling of a woman who needs just as much help as I do.
Here is what I have learned, because life has been so hard for me, so many tragedies, n shit I have to keep surviving, that I tend to pull people close and love them hard. I try n take care of so many people. Yet alway fear anyone who tries to care for me so I can’t even explain to u, that I don’t want to live another day. I don’t want to love another person. I don’t want to trust enough to share the deep hurts that formed so that I can open up n be vulnerable. I don’t say any of this out of drama. I say it from a place of shaking shock. He said we were inseparable for life…..Guess all it took was a glass of wine accidentally poured on a cheap carpet to allow him to destroy what was left of me.
I don’t hate BL. Or I guess I should say Larry. And I don’t hate our friends who love him. And I don’t want anyone to get involved. But I don’t know hOw to go on, what he has done is unforgivable. They were made aware both of them how shaken with my grief I was. I pushed false cheer as much as I could. I tried to be helpful. I was honest and raw and listened to their council . I paid my way, helped w cleanup. I was not lazy, I was not selfish in my grief. I remained engaged and interested in their lives. This was not about me be selfish. This was not an emotional dramatic fight fest where I staggered around drunk w grief quoting Hunter s Thompson. There was no subtweeting or dming. Or txting friends complaining about them, I tried. I tried to look over her slights n the uncomfortable at times atmosphere. I thanked them profusely for encouraging me to come to them and their care.
I tried calling today, angry because I don’t understand how this has all happened. This….Despite hours of arguing w BL over it yesterday. Despite the devastation I felt in the words that past between us. I called to see if there was a reason. The BL who spoke to me was a mockery. He was the cold lawyer that allowed him to excel to the stratospheric heights his career took him. That kind of drive takes a very hard man. This is the man who walks away and can shut his heart down in completion. One who never looks back. One who can sleep at night no matter what the chaos that reigns down around him. He once told me if anything happened to me he wouldn’t be able to go on. So cleaved from one atom we were. I always believed I could survive anything, because he was my Superman cape. My magical superpower that whispered, Newty, it’s ur lion, take my courage take my belief . You can do it. Because I believe in u.
I’m tired. And I hurt so hard. I’m physically sick from it all …And I have zero wish to go on anymore and I’m not sure how to survive that or even if I can. Instead of fill up the TL with misery I’ve put it all here. Because this is my place, I will never understand the way people are. And I’m tired of trying. I’m done.
The trouble with goodbyes are what remains,