Flying Fish

Newty Stripped. Raw.20150801_161619_resized

I am a mass of contradictions. For all of my dreams of forever fidelity, gobs of family, happy children. Satisfied spouses…. I am terrified to commit.  My heart is singular and my pussy is poly. I have one I want to fuck. One I want to love. One I want to marry, One who is perfect for me and one who is my soulmate. None of them r something to believe in. All of them have complications. And all of them scare me.

I have really honest ways and I am tired of pretending. I am living in the house of my Ex Boss. One of the closest people in my life who has been my everything, every role since I was 19/20. We had a fling. The sex was heart stopping.  There were so many opportunities to be together in the decades and timing always got in our way. Field aide work was what made us. Our combined bleeding hearts know no bounds We are very very similar characters.  We love hard and deep, we are adult wild children. Our belief systems mirrors. We both have extremely bad tempers. But I love the way it burns. When Dallas imploded the plane ticket was bought in 45 mins. The guest room was made mine in an hour. He and his partner T scooped me at the airport and that was it.  Forget the fact that 10 days before we wore the sheets out of his beach house.

He is the voice of reason, wise and the one I want to love.

The one I want to marry

Has been married and has zero interest in ever going there again. He is the dark horse. Fiercely protective of me and silent about it.We talk about dating, science, music, food, kink. We’ve shopped for socks,coats and cars and he used to help me pick out Mac’s bday presents. He is my favourite secret. Only My best friend knows who he is. It was in my bessie mates’s house, WE all  realized I would marry this man in an instant and never have a moment of fear. He confounds me and makes me want to have his babies. Something I don’t say lightly. There is not another man on earth I would risk that hurt for. He took my absolute favourite picture of me when we were skyping one night years ago.  I look so vulnerable. He and I are ying and yang. Polar opposites. My heat warms him. His cold chills my temper. He is kinky as fuck, sexy in just my way. There is not a part of his body I haven’t seen, yet I have never been his lover. He is the only man thus far that I would singularly commit to.  But he will never ever forgive me for Andy, or so far.

The one I want to fuck.

I could write reams of prose about him. He is my wicked lil rebellion, my clarity. I have never laid a lip on him. But I am not sure if either of us would survive the night, or day. He is the earthiness in the bourbon. The eye of the hurricane. Sin in skin. I don’t want forever. I just want a string of right nows. He makes me tremble, He invades my dreams. The lust I have writes beach reads. He is the one you never want anything from. Maybe he reminds me a lot of Kevin. A man who makes you want to walk into the fire no matter the burn.  All of my Nevers become Maybes. He inspires lust I didn’t know I was capable of. He is the kind of man that makes u laugh and cry at knowing him.

My Soulmate.

I can’t even. We love each other enough to love whoever is in our lives. We r the completion of the other. We will never be together so we r together in the most complete way we can be. We are the secrets whispered in the dark, the magic in the butterfly, the angel who loves the devil.  We are curling cigarette smoke on a blue night. The dolphin’s smile and the narwhal tusk. A magic man and his jester. We live in a villa on the isle of Capri and reside in a cabin on a small river. We have a southern gothic love. Incapable of being broken. We are the keepers of each others truth. We are the standard and the measure. The song and verse. The hurt and the plea. We are soul mates.

The one who is perfect for me.

I need a strong steady man. And old-fashioned fella. One who puts on a suit and takes a girl out for a shining tinsel night on the town. Then tells her, he wants her to know there r good guys out there. This guy is a tree and I am a dandelion.  He twirls me around, kisses me so sexy. . When he speaks seriously he grabs the edges of my fingertips. He taps my nose, when he is endeared. He isn’t afraid of E aka ex boss. He holds my hand, we talk  about books and everything but sex… UNTIL we did. So we are waiting for the Max and he makes a date for Tuesday night, and he asked me a great question, what song do I think of when I think of sex with him.(if i think of sex with him)  I replied with American Idiot by Greenday. And he doubles over with laughter and drags me in for a huge hug. WTF he asks….I imagine sex with him would be the most freeing thing I have ever done once I got over the fear of my scars. He is kind, HAWT as hell, so so clever, but best of all patient. I imagine us in a mosh pit of sex… Laughing, me biting my lip and fucking like crazy wild people. BUT, I do not detect any kinky sides whatsoever. Just good Northwest fucking. I tried to drip hints and even flat outr made jokes about 50 shades. No worries that he will throw me down and own me. It’s just……. The one who is made for me, makes me gooey like a fresh-baked cookie. He is all Good so Good guy.

She went from come undone to all tied up with emotion.

So its like flying fish over here.

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2 thoughts on “Flying Fish

  1. Wow! When they talk about the power of the pen, they surely are talking about your pen. Your writing is powerful and poignant. It always moves me deep inside in a place that only your words seem to be able to reach. I’m so glad you’re back to writing again. One of the beautiful things about you is that you are unafraid of going deep-sea diving in your own mind, your own feelings and recounting what you find there – good, bad, whatever. You face yourself honestly and vividly. I am honoured to be your BFf and twin. You may be a mass of contradictions, but I am, too, and I think that everyone interesting is that way. The important thing is that you are aware of all of them and don’t bother to try to reconcile them, because, to do so, would be to become bland and boring and you, you are anything but that. So, keep on writing, keep on explore your mind and your heart and keep on loving as only you can.

    BL, with the greatest love and respect.

    Like

  2. Of course you’re afraid of commitment after all the crap you’ve been through. When you stop being afraid, down the road some, you can decide who you want and need. Until then don’t worry about it and just have fun. You deserve to have fun.

    Like

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