It’s complicated

He seemed to good to be true. He liked that I am a dichotomy that wore a star wars t shirt and fancy panties while we played with farm machinery.  He went slow, never pushing. We spoke about music, books, travel. Good sheets and getting older. We had wall sex and he told me I had beautiful eyes while nailing me six ways to sunday.  He kissed my scars, held my hand and watched movies with me. He understood the importance of a date. He nicknamed my ex husband. He pulled me on his lap and took shit from all of his friends, laughed and hugged me tighter. Best of all, he sings dirty songs with Barney the dinosaur’s voice.

Dream guy right? Why was this awesome, handsome but not pretty Sequoia of a man into me? He is fit as fuck, with the slightest softness at his stomach. I am 25 pounds overweight and a complete shrimp. I hated myself so much I couldn’t even let him like me a little. He admitted to being a manwhore and not liking commitment. I was like Whatevs, I’d rather be single for life.

But wait my heart said… He made me blackberry margaritas and  we sat on his deck for hours where he made me snort laugh. Naw… Its all gonna be a fluke..

Yea the sex was awesome, But hey I like sex a lot. Dudes tend to appreciate the enthusiasm. I waited for the butterball jokes that never came….Instead he rubbed my shoulders when they hurt and pet my back at night so I could sleep. So I slowly dialed it back because he was the guy who was perfect for me…..A honorable former Navy Seal who lived in Italy for years, owns his own company and likes to laugh and dance-Oh Hell No! I wrote a blog post about all the other options and pulled away. Told him we were casual.

So he casually slept with an ex and I got complicated with my E. He texted, I ignored. He called, I hit end.

Then he came home with E a few days ago and I sat on the counter eating celery-dismissed him, joked at how preppy his shoes were. He was utterly like why the fuck is my nice guy charm not working on this red head….I preened at my level of cold hearted bitch.

A huge fight happened between E and I. He held me so tightly  and told me all we would do is tear each other apart because he was not going to hurt me by making me be something that he did not believe I am. He said I was worth more. I sunk. I got confused. So E took off for the day to give me space, went golfing with my epic nice navy guy and told him that we had a fling. That it was one weekend out of the 20 plus years we had known each other.. That he was my shelter,harbor and that was never going to change. He told Navy Boy to talk to me about it, to clear it up and give me the chance to explain. Yet I had no clue about this conversation.

So there I am, Friday night, my pretty panties, attitude and tight fit Johnny Cash tshirt when he comes in the door with E.  I asked him if he wanted a drink, tryin to be all social like, his jaw clenched. T’s friend who was there and had a fling with him 4 years ago applied lip gloss and puckers. He took the rum & coke and slammed it, asked to speak to me outside. It was cold and dark. He gently wrapped his jacket around me and spit venomous anger at me. I argued back, suddenly hard words became yelling and I pushed his arm, like pushing cement. I threw his jacket at him when he called me a cocktease. I told him to check his fucking ego. Then all of the sudden he yanked me and grabbed my head none to gently and kissed me so hard I felt his teeth, first against my lips then nipping. He kissed and kissed, hauling my small body up his. When he stopped, he said–“Finally you shut up with your bullshit.”

He turned and left me standing there and went inside. I trailed behind..  E and I traded glares, then E dismissed me, cracking up laughing got up to make drinks.  T’s batty ass friend threw herself at my Navy fella and he didn’t even respond. I smirked. She pulled out cocaine and I stared at it like a preschooler. WTF. But then Hunter S Thompson whispered Do ITTTT. So I looked at Mike and winked then did two lines. I was like a walking scared girl trying to be tuff cliche. T turned on Music and E got my dip out of the fridge. Navy boy stole my chair, so  I laid on the carpet. I mocked him, ignored him and secretly hated everyone in the room. He reached out and to the shock of the entire room grabbed my booted feet and slid me across the floor until my feet where in his lap . He threw my boots to the side and snuggled my feet into his side as I lay still on the floor. T’s batty friend gasped and I kicked him. He lifted my leg and slapped my ass so hard all I could do was stare and gap like a damn fish.

E and T burst into raucous laughter, Her friend pouted and I stared. I didnt move for 30 mins. I let everyone talk. I just sat there in shock. He rubbed my feet and talked golf. When his hand went lower to rub my thigh,  I finally came to my senses, wiggled up and into the kitchen. He stalked me and kissed the fuck out of me, took the wine bottle out of my hand and started opening it, talking Italian coast. I insulted his preppy shoes. He laughed and poured me a drink and with his big hand in the small of my back we walked back in.  We all hung out and chatted. I sat on the floor by his chair and laid my head on his knee. He twirled the curled up ends of my hair. He never ever ever paid even one bit of attention to batty friend. T went to bed. Batty friend got stoned and fell asleep . Navy Boy looked at E and said I am going to sleep with her upstairs. It was like a thing past between them. And that was like ice water in the face.  I said the fuck u are. He gets up and in front of Baby Jesus and all tells me he will be upstairs in my bed and will see me shortly. Cue fish gaping face.  I may play hard to get, I may be a conflicted soul…But one thing I am not is stupid.  Eric got up and hugged me so tightly, I teared up. All he did was smile and say “Goodnight cupcake.” That was his blessing.

I crept up the steep stairs. My room was cold and he looked hawt as fuck.  I asked for a pillow and my extra blanket. He told me to cut my shit, lose the clothes and get into bed with him. All I had to do was say NO and the game changed. My nice sweet Navy fella, that purrs sugar and rainbows morphed. He was suddenly all naked Sequoia man. Hands in my hair so hard I think I fainted with pleasure. I pushed he grabbed. My night table tipped over and he slapped my ass. Not a love tap. HARD.

He pulled my tshirt over my head and trapped my arms as he nibbled on me. He undid my jeans and pulled them off. It was the dance of penguins. It made me giggle in my pretty panties and hands caught in the tshirt behind me. Peeling off my panties his fingers brushed my girl bits which were traitorously wet. He smirked against my lips and slapped my behind again. Then he picked me up and tossed me on the bed and I told Murphy, Mary and Joseph holy fuck.

He is so tall and solid wide he takes up most of the bed. He is used to a Cali King. We were rocking a twin. with his feet hanging off. Then the floor.  I wiggled and doth protested wayyyy to much. He told me, “You want me to take you, make you feel so damn good or you want a goddamned Teddybear?” I got shy and he got bold. “How do u know I like kinky sex?” I whispered…. Sure E had told.

“EL James aint that rich for nothing, Red” he murmured against my nipples. He bit, nipped, kissed, smacked, slapped and contorted every single inch of my flesh.  Every position he put me in was advantageous for him to control my body and spank my ass. It rose and dove in waves of filthy talk, hurty ouchy in the best way.

Then it was over and I was shy as fuck again.  So he held me to him and distracted me. He told me about growing up with a single Mama who was a bartender. I finally told him about why E brought me here after my parents betrayed me. He was so tender and strong.  He slipped off to the bathroom and I put on a ridiculous silk excuse of a night gown and opened up my laptop. I wanted to show him the house I grew up in New Orleans. Instead he walked up behind me and saw Andy’s twit page. He set water down, pulling me back to him and asked my why I obsessed over a man that hurt me so callously. He closed the page and took away my laptop. Safe in the cocoon of blankets and warm man beast, I asked him why he was such a commitment phobe and he asked my why I didn’t tell him about E and I. Neither of us had an answer.

I told him about the places I hurt so deeply. How E was always there all these many years, every loss or gain. How he moves heaven and earth for me. How I can love so deeply and be so loyal. I smothered a yawn and he murmured give me the boobies. He loves to go to sleep with me tucked into his body his arms crossed over me, his paws filled with boob. His mans business snug against my round bottom. “Are we dating again ?”I asked almost childishly into the silence….No. was answered softly.

I woke to his mouth on my neck and his hands on my body. As if we had unlocked some door and the passion we had before was trifold. I wanted to write prose at the acts committed.  My hair was a rats nest of lust, my muscle sang with use. I smelled like his aftershave. Bruises were forming, I was laying on him. He was doing the feather fingertip rub on my back.  We talked about hunting and me being in the field. We spoke about Paris and Haiti. His failed marriage then mine. I teased about his time as a frog man. And then I made him do the whole frogman speech thing again.  He nailed it and then me. Again I was drawn into his embrace, boobies safe against his hands. It was hours and hours of sleep fuck sleep fuck. Then deep sleep where we mirrored each others bodies each turning as the other did. At 11 am. He hopped over me and got dressed. Brushing the hair from my face, he gave me a rueful smile and told me bye. No kiss on my neck, no soft words. Nothing. I wrapped myself in self loathing and slept another hour, tears wet on my cheeks, my face in the pillow he slept on.

Encouraged by friends, I called him to apologize about not telling him about E. The convo played out as our meet cute part two.

Hullo Navy Boy

Hey Red

I was calling to maybe air some stuff out, you busy?

Just trying to recover from marathon sex, after all.. I did the heavy lifting… He chuckles

Are you implying I am fat.

No Red, I am implying that you dig being man handled.

Yea, so about that. While I love a hate fuck as much as the next… I hate that I was dishonest. And I hate that fear made me not give us a fair chance.

Well Red, I have to say I didn’t love hearing from one of my closest friends that you guys had recently been together, made me wonder what else you weren’t telling me.

Navy Boy, If I had asked in the beginning for us not to see anyone else would u have agreed.


Me: cue tears and crickets.

deep sigh from the Navy Boy

he attempts banter

I try to not cry and swallow a sob

He apologizes for the bartender girl and accepts my apology about E.

Tears leaking, me shaking I ask if we can at least be friends.

No. He says

No? I whisper

No, what we can do is be mutually exclusive. I wont be a manwhore if you stop running when it gets scary and real.

Ok I breathe out

He tells me he wont make me play or even watch golf if I quit giving him shit about hunting and he doesn’t do shoe shopping. I tell him I will drive his golf cart and fan girl him.  He begs me not to make him listen to Justin Bieber anymore

Which makes me giggle.

Which makes him continue with a smile in his voice. Promising “killer” dates if I promise to make him Italian frequently.

What about the bartender, Navy Boy? She works at both of ur haunts. I query…

Will give up her main bar, if you stop crying over that sack a shit you married.

Sighs from both of us and a moment of comfortable silence.

My skin is sensitive from your stubble Navy Boy. And I can smell ur aftershave still. I need a shower but ….

Well sweet girl I cant grow a beard because of a contract I took, But I can give you good stubble. Frequently and thoroughly. While we r on the subject of us fucking frequently… You don’t give E the puppy eyes anymore and I wont tell him how hot the sex is between us. Trust me his golf game cant handle the shock.

Navy Boy, Please don’t hurt me.

Red, you loved every min of having your ass slapped.

I can hear the humor in his voice

And hey, dont hurt me either. I am giving up my frequent flier card to become just your manwhore.

Will u be a really whorey man whore?

You better believe it.

Can I tell my friends you are my man whore?

Why dont you tell them I am Mike, your boyfriend.

Oh Navy Boy, you just got a red headed girlfriend.

I’ll come see u tomorrow sweetheart

Bye boyfriend

Bye red

Two hours later my phone beeps

a text

I am glad you called earlier, so what are you wearing? wicked grin emoji

I smile and type

Your aftershave and kisses.

















2 thoughts on “It’s complicated

  1. Once again, your marvelous way with words caused me to read this as if I didn’t know it all already and know how it would end. You had me holding my breath and wondering if either or both of you would come to your senses and give it a try. You’re so good that I wasn’t sure until I got to the end. I’m so glad he made you promise him that you’d stop fussing over that sack of shit ex-husband of yours. I know it wont be that easy, but it will get easier and will be very good for you. I know he won’t be reading this, but I’ll say this to both of you anyway, “please, both of you, this has such wonderful potential. Don’t go fucking it up, please!!” I am so very happy that we all pushed you Saturday night to call him and I’m glad he had the common sense to give it another shot.

    I remain, your loyal and loving best friend forever. xoxo


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