MY SON AND I’S HANDS same love… unedited
My hands shake with emotion as I write this. Maybe because this belief encompasses every single fiber of who I am. Same Love.
I come from a city of sin and seduction. It is in my blood as deeply as swamp water is. I have every manner of friends, Gay, BI, Lesbian… Straight… Vanilla, Kinky, Poly, Singular etc…I remember a party in my 20s when I told one of my best gay guy friends that I wondered what it would be like to have a penis. The power of thrust.. So he and his boyfriend bought me a strap on as a joke for xmas ….Which never entered a guy but did enter my best friend Lulu. WHO Is bisexual. To me sexuality is fluid. When I love, I love so hard that the lines blur.
I was taught All LOVE Same Love, by my grandfather when I was very young, a tween. I told him I got called a lesbian at school because I ran away from a boy that tried to kiss me. My granddaddy looked at me and he asked were you scared? Did you not like it? I remember sobbing that his lip smelled like mustard and it grossed me out. My Irish Catholic Gramps roared with laughter and held me so closely, telling me that every one has the right to love and kiss whom they want. That I should always respect that. People used names as a way to spread hate. That Lesbian was not a bad word. And that he didn’t think I was one, but if I was he wouldn’t love me any differently.
I held tight to that, as I met every strain and color of people. My first boyfriend was black, a deep dark chocolate with dreads ,a strong handsome face and the softest heart of any man I have ever known. His parents started a women’s Co-op in Africa where he was born. They took me with their family and opened my eyes. Whereas in America my white people tried to tear us apart, In Africa I was embraced, there was no color except sunrise, the color of my hair. I know him to this day and when I won a presidential award, He knew. Because it was his parents that opened my eyes and taught me to be colorblind and respectful of all cultures and ethnicities. To care, to go forth and help others.
Drew was my first boyfriend, lover and ambassador of the rose colored glasses.
We all have a SAME LOVE
It was my birthday, years and years ago, the first night I ever had girl sex and instead of it just being her and I, It was myself and our mutual best friend Kevin. Whom we both loved & she married eventually. It was a night of many firsts. She was the DR in my Org crew. She was my girl lover off and on until I met Mac. Taught me about sisterhood and lush curves. The way she kissed was soft and strong, so different from a man. The way she manipulated our bodies taught me how to give and receive pleasure in a far more advanced way. She pulled me into the fire and I never left wanting only to burn with the experiences that came after.
She opened my eyes all the way about SAME LOVE. She made a me a warrior, not afraid of the sword or the siren.
I knew I was kinky young and it brought me such shame. Why would I embrace pain or dominance? I was a wild thing, a horse with thundering hoofbeats that NO ONE would ever control. Yet in my heart of hearts I wanted stronger than me, I wanted pain and pleasure to intermingle. I want to trust enough that nothing was taboo. I wanted all of the experiences. All the unspoken. I wanted to not be shamed or feel dirty. I would have been more accepted if I had been a lesbian then Kinky in New Orleans. AS I grew older and trusted more, my ability as a lover grew and my understanding of kink altered. I became whom I was meant to be by embracing other kinky folks, by reading and exploring. BY ACCEPTING, I found my tribe. People who twist and turn and complete themselves with Kink. Because we all love THE SAME LOVE.
SO this year when my Son woke me in the middle of the night with a transatlantic phone call. Gasping and sobbing that he thought he might be gay or Bi and his dad and I would surely hate him… I became the mountain lion that I truly am. THE WARRIOR, THE MOTHER that says, NO! FUCK NO you will not shame yourself. NO you will never be allowed to internalize hate or judgement my beautiful boy, NO your father will never not love you. ANd NO, I don’t care who or how you love as long as your are safe.This kid, this rock star apple of my eye started at the beginning and three hours later stopped. He was so ashamed he hung up on me. I called BL, my best friend. In a rush of words I said what do I do. AM I saying the right thing? He calmed me, woke up enough to be understood and told me of all kids in the world , my boy was so lucky to have me. BECAUSE I HAD NO bigotry in my heart, no preconceived notions of who people should be. BL told me how I had this. I just had to trust in my self and the bond I shared with my son. SO I hung up and messaged him Malckemores SAME LOVE. I said that I loved him,that he was the moon and I was the stars and one day I would be the moon and he the STAR. He called me back and so it began. My first question was how do u know? My second, because he has had a girlfriend since kindergarten is are you safe? Is this a boy your age ? I had to make sure….It is a dark ugly world out there…
He told me everything, every detail and asked me so many questions. He had done and tried nothing, It was thought and emotions. He worried so much about his father. A man who’s best friend is gay. But my sons father is so straight and narrow, Football, The South ANd tits and ass. I said to my beautiful son, your father was so happy, he cried for a month when you were born. He fell so deeply in love with you, there is no end. Boy, I told him you are our gift. So I told his father for him and if possible his father loved him more. He talked it out with our boy from his end. It was a game of wait and see. Let this boy who had just turned 13 find his way. While we watched over him. But I wil be god fucking damned if anyone would judge him on my watch….
So yesterday while playing cards with E, I get a call, a replay of angst and fear from my son. He has a girlfriend and he is nuts about her. He over heard a conversation with his father and his parents. His grandfather was a judgemental bastard. I held my shit together, My voice loving and a place of trust and strength. I said talk to me, tell me everything. He said I think I am straight. I was going through a lot. I missed you Mama, I missed your soft presence. But you and Dad let me figure it out and I did. Moma, I am crazy about this girl, she has blonde hair and freckles like you. Moma, Does dad hate me. DO Nana and Pop hate me? Am I gross because I was confused for awhile?
You dont know the pain I felt. I keened inside. I broke and reglued, fuck that hurt.
I soothed and straightened his head. .. and he said Mama, I think maybe now you are the moon and I am the stars.
Meanwhile… I dint know that downstairs Mike was here and He and E were eavesdropping. SO they heard what came next.
A nuke explosion. 15 years of hate when into my next phone call. Hullo PopPop can u have Nana pick up the line. SO much rage spilled out, I schooled them. My eloquence shining as a beacon of love for my Son.I ended with, you watch your fucking mouths in the future and you never ever shame my boy again or you will never lay eyes on him again. PEOPLE DON’T CHOOSE , he cant be fixed. Straight GAY whatever. Its all the SAME LOVE, I just want to raise a good man, not a dick like your son. The next thing they heard was the dial tone.
So I went downstairs, rage mixed with a quiet happy that my boy had a freckled anybody and was met with ignorance and preconceived notions. And my new relationship with navy boy, Mike, hit a hurdle when he said….
Its fine, its a fad for these kids today to be gay… You kids not gay, he doesn’t look or speak like a HOMO. He’s got a girlfriend now. It will be fine.
Oh no … U didnt…
Unglued, unhinged, I think I levitated. Eric jumped up to capture me before I killed him. I swallowed. Hey Mike I am bisexual. I love girl sex.
Him yea but thats hot.
ME praying to baby jesus that I don’t drop dead or kill him…
SO Mike, two men who are together is gross? They dont deserve love or passion? A family or acceptance? And are lesbians hot because you imagine they are all lipsticked up with bangin bods and acting out your favourite porn film. Because brother…every gender fights farts burps sings eats their fav food laughs cries and dies the same. I cant believe I spent all night fucking a bigot.
His comeback… You hate the entire muslim race and I am a bigot?
You know when there are no words. When you just pour your heart out and somebody is so fucking dumb, you got like nothing? Where was the amazing, compassionate guy.. Where was my nice guy? My Save the world navy seal guy..
I asked him, so what you only save white, straight folk> is that the deal.? Bounce dude… Bounce.
I don’t hate Muslims. I hate the oppression of their religion. I hate many of their cultural practices. ANd since I lost one of my best friends and lie and die crew to them… I own that right . But if my son fell in love with a person of that faith, I would pause, BUT THEN I WOULD SAY…. SAME LOVE.
Maybe this is a case of Mike was never exposed to the truth and reality. Do I accept his stupidity and walk away or do I try and help him see. Keep caring deeply for him ? This world is 57 flavors. And love is what we need, not ignorance or judgement.
Because really in one way or another we all have the SAME LOVE.