All of Me


He was toweling off from the shower, completely unabashed.  I have known him since you could bounce a dime off my tight ass in my early 20s. I contorted and stretched into what I hoped was a position that hid my flaws.  It made him laugh…. Eyebrows shot up, guffaw laugh… Tears gathered in my eyes as he came towards me.  He sat next to me on the bed and sipped from my glass.  Brushed the hair from my face so tenderly…Then said….

“Red, we have aged. Do you want me to cuddle you up and tell u different? Because baby, barring an act of God,  I can’t change us. We are where we are.  And I am really loving this… This you and me. Do we have to do the whole I am this and you are that shit? Can we just not say damn, we are lucky?  Cause I feel lucky, Red. I feel fuckin lucky. ”

I teared so badly I smooshed kissed him and then ran to the bathroom to shorthand type this to myself. Because I know someday I will need to read this again.

I won’t lie, I have had the tender love of a few good men. But none lately that is so bold as to remove any trace of drama. We made a simple pasta meal. Talked about movies and music. Kissed until we were both beestung.  I was goofy silly and he was dark mirth. We drank but not to drunk, more floating.  I told him about what my son said his father told him when David Bowie died, bout how when music hurts I hurt, because I love it so. I told Sully when he said that I was his song, I stopped breathing a moment because there is no greater thing you could ever say to me. I asked him what I sounded like and he pulled me into his chest,  and said I had different sounds.  I pretzelded like an olympic gymnastic wonder and fetched my ipod, stuck it on his dock and began to DJ.

We lay there in the almost dark and ran our fingers over each others bodies as the music played. I asked him… what part of my body do u dislike most?  He hesitated, then bent and kissed the deep scar on my lip. Then I was cheeky and I asked him which he liked best and he moved my wonder woman panties and went to kiss my girl bits and swooped up and kissed my head, whispering brain. I giggled like the uber spaz I am.

We talked about songs attaching a meaning to things. About how they intrude when they do that. He said E stole what would have been his song and he was pissed.  I said what do you mean? To be honest I was in utter dread… Here was the E talk.  He asked me if I had All Of Me on my ipod. I said of course…. That was my Oregon coast weekend song. {clearly booze makes me an empathetic amazing loving person for me to have said that to my lover, not!} He went quiet. I mean he is mostly quiet all the time… but like doomsday quiet.

“Do U love E, darlin?” he asked… “Yes.”  I answered- “I always will but not like that. I love him like I love many of the men who are in my life. U know me. Don’t make me ashamed of that part of me, he saved me.”

I am not being down on myself, or making him something he isn’t, But I was perplexed. I brushed it off. I knew in my head we should be doing the dance with no pants. But even as intimate as we were in his bed, candle flickering, open deck door… I felt my first fear….

He engaged me, and talked about all and nothing. He petted my hair and kissed me.I sat up n curled my body to him, I smoothed his face and traced his brow, all the while sharing my drink.

Then the song came on……and to my shock, he began to softly sing along as he touched me. In the most husky baritone, he professed every word. Shyly yet with utter meaning. As if waiting for me to tease when instead fat tears dripped down my cheeks.

OMG Sully, I whispered.

OMG BEE, He mocked.

R u stealing that song I asked… are you remaking my memory movie?

Sounds about right, Red..he replied grinning, wiping my tears away.

Squealing, I wrapped myself up in him.

We lay there, content… taking in the songs….



DO you remember when Moot took us all to the high rock where you could see miles of sunrise.

I do, indeed, never forget it.

Moot told me, I had the sunrise in my hair.  I have carried that with me all of these years. I will carry tonight the same. 

He coughed, a slight hitch, I looked up and saw his face moved.

It hasn’t been the same without you. You broke our hearts when you got on the plane to the UK. You changed, baby. Emails, communication stopped, you cut us out. I almost hated you. Then E told us about what happened. When he got you up here and a job came available, I won’t lie… You were part of the draw. I want you, I want this. That letter you have on your wall.  I have read that every time, I am with you.  I want to be your sword. Yea. I do.

Sulls, could you tone down the awesome a lil. Its glaring and my eyes hurt.



*hot monkey sex

Me humming softly along to a song as I calm down….

Is that Justin Bieber?


Is this going to be like the Cher thing?

Laughter erupts.



Still waters run deep, never saw you coming. 

*chuckles* Love you to baby, sleep now. 

And I did until I just woke up and remembered the whole night and I had to write it down. For all of the bad and wrong in my life these past years. I always have had my lie and die team. My peeps. It is a rich love, like a thick stew. I don’t take help well, I don’t ask for loyalty or expect it. Yet they inspire me to give it and never accept less from them.  So to whisper I love you is natural from us. But to realize you are loved, truly loved and waited for. Well. That’s a gift.

I lay here in the dark feeling the changes. It isn’t the relationship or love. It is kindness. Something we sought to provide, in our job. Blind kindness and care. I wish so much I could thank God or some mystical deity for this turn. I wish I could name this luck. Damn it has been a bleak horrific journey. Nothing will magically change, except this-Of all the people in the world who say trust me, I trust him with my life. So I get to dive in. I get to be the girl. I get the puffy hearts and jukebox songs. I get the roses and letters. I get the I am your Sunday best and Tuesday blues. I get to wear his socks and sweatshirts. I get to be a unit. I get to introduce BL, my best friend, to a man worth introducing. I get to have someone else hold the sword for a while. While I regroup,reorganize and smile sheer tears of gratitude. I don’t want to run, even in my deepest moments of fear these past few days. I just want the exhale of his laughter. I want to touch his hair. I love that he has seen what I have. I love that he is smart and funny. I love that he is quiet and little rocks him. I love how he shrugs with his eyes and shoulders…

He is a keel and a ballast.  I am the sails snapping in the wind. One guides the wind, one steadies it. Over 18 years knowing him and here I am. Anew.

Our shared ghosts must be howling with laughter and shots of whisky, while watching us as the play canasta on that great big cloud.  I have found my match.





















4 thoughts on “All of Me

  1. Sweet Jaysus, woman, but you do stir the old heartstrings when you get to putting electrons on the screen. First, everything you write has the ring of, not truth, but accuracy to it. It is also truth, but your description of what you need and what you now have is, to those of us who know you as well as I do, accurate. This line especially made me say “true dat!!!” You said, “He is a keel and a ballast. I am the sails snapping in the wind.” True dat!! a dozen times. I think that, especially at this time in your life, you have been needing someone exactly like Sully. Someone without drama, someone solid, someone to whom you could say, “DO you remember when Moot took us all to the high rock” and he remembers because he knew you then, he knew you when you were who you were and loved you and knows you as you are now and loves you still. Most of all, if there is a most of all, he is a kind man and you need kindness – we all do – but after your last three years – you need kindness more than most. I can’t wait until you get to introduce me to him – a man truly worth meeting. A man who will be kind to, take care of and love the woman who is my best friend forever.

    With great love and respect,


    P.S. Have you told him yet about the back room I will be living in when I’m old and grey and can’t live on my own? LOL!!


  2. Soulmates is the word that comes to mind when I read this. There’s that one person out there who fits perfectly, who knows and understands, the person you don’t have to explain anything to. I’m so glad it happened to you. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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