The Bullfighter’s Cape

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It was a thread of conversation that had started the night before……..After a fabulous day with my son, he was in video game heaven with his friends in his room and I was left to my own company to stew and let the bugaboos of my mind fester. I text Sully. He called. Told me to pour a glass of wine, watch a movie in the dark and work on calming down. Said as soon as he was through with dinner out, we could skype and he would endeavor to help me chase away the ghosts… I felt needy, pathetic and yet comforted.

I chose Spectre and a bottle of Malbec.  Halfway through the movie I found myself thinking Bond would be better served smacking the female leads ass or kissing her hard enough to make a dent in her pride…. If only I had known what sharing that observation with Sully was going to mean… Lolz

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So there I am in my leopard shorty pjs staring at his handsome smile and I share my diamond of a film review with him as well as Daniel Craig is too lean for good fantasy material…. He replies with, “Funny, I feel like that with you on the daily. A smack on your ass or a shut you up kiss might solve a hell of a lot more then waiting you out.” Cue Guppy Mouth Syndrome. He winks at me and tells me the story of his dinner companions. Arranges our week from when I return to Oregon tmrw and then, picks up a bag. He pulls out a familiar book .  Tells me to be quiet, turn my brain off, know that I am loved and listen. He begins to read me The Sun Always Rises by Hemingway. One of my most favorite books ever written.. He has a spectacular voice and the combination of its timbre and the words lulls me to sleep. A sandman sleep from which I do not awaken even once until morning.

And oh what a riot of mess I awaken to.  If my life could fall apart again in 8 steps, it did. If I could feel any lower, I would have been buried and cemented over. If I could have hated myself more I would have self combusted. I refused to speak to E, refused to explain to Beau after my son called his dad. I cancelled on Mac and refused explanation once again. I just sat there in blind defeat. My man text. Then he called. His voice was no nonsense, let me the fuck in now. I hesitated. He said we would never work unless I could start trusting him enough to let him help. So I opened my mouth and the words fell out… tripping chaos, bleeding thorns of old rose bushes… Then to finish it off, I told him I had gone to Andy’s twitter and he had said the most horrible things about me in a conversation with his fellow Tweeps. That I was outraged and hurt that he was able to perpetuate this good guy done wrong image… with all of the hell that he creates.

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In the most final of tones, Sully explained that I wasn’t going to go on Andy’s feed anymore. That once a week until my divorce became finalized, together (whether he is USA or abroad)we would go and read, talk it out and then put it away. Once my divorce was said and done. I would swear to him to let Andy go for the nightmare that he was and wake up to the sweetness of our life together instead. He told me to hold tight and give him an hour and would sort through my problems.  I cried in the shower as I waited, I wondered at Sully’s just taking over everything. It’s not in my nature to give up control. I was just dressed 20 mins later when he called me. Confident not smug he ran down his checklist of my swiss cheese life. He had solved everything. I quietly thanked him as he explained what he had set up. He would not let me even push an inch of space between us. A quiet dominance settled over him, like a light cape.  He said quietly that he trusted me,trusted me with his heart. Trusted me that he wasn’t turning major opportunities down in his life and I wouldn’t be treating our dating like an afterthought.

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He told me if I put the extra set of keys to his life, anywhere but on my keyring, that he was going to swat me. He told me on Wednesday to make no plans, all he wanted to do was hug my curves in a snuggle next to him and have me feed him pretzels while I  shared every detail of my trip home to see my son. I teased why not Tuesday night and his wicked laughter made my girl bits throb and heart flutter… Tuesday night was for things that go bump in the dark.

I bragged about sunshine and he bitched about rain. He told me to bring home some records {Lp’s} to make life to. Make life to, that phrase embedded itself in my soul. I made a joke about kinky sex and he guaranteed that I would be all tied up  and squirming for the foreseeable future. He told me that another Lie and Die brother is moving north near us.. How part of the draw is that we are all together again.  We talked a lil more and I think he still heard the doubt in my voice. He said, “Baby remember, YOU are the reason you have friends that love you. It isn’t an accident. Stop doubting my girlfriend. Pisses me off. Be the Bullfighter, my girl , be brave again! ”

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I thought about and replayed this conversation over and over in my mind the past few hours. I have known this man almost all of my adult life. I know his character, I know his worth.  I know his steely determination, his golden heart and sorrow filled past.  I know what makes him laugh and cry. I know what pleasures him and displeases him. I can’t change the past no matter the strength of my determination to. I cant hurry the present, but I can tuck my small hand into his and trust in tomorrow and the many days after.  I can act on my dreams and hopes knowing that he is there to catch me when I fly. I can be fierce because he can handle me. I don’t get to hate the cape of my body, for he just wants me to taunt him with it, so that he can take me down into the sheets of our playground.

“Nobody ever lives their life all the way up except bullfighters.”
~HEMINGWAY

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3 thoughts on “The Bullfighter’s Cape

  1. Hurray for Sully!!! I’m so glad that he tells you, essentially, the same things that I have been telling you over our years together. He is a gem and I am so happy for both of you. Continue to drop your doubts about yourself. Trust yourself as much as he and I do. Believe in yourself as much as I do and he does. Leave the past where it belongs – in the dust bin of history – revel i the present – it is all we have – and grab the future as it comes your way. Most of all, love yourself as much as the rest of us do!

    Your biggest fan.

    BL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not even sure what to write. I’m just so happy that you have somebody who can calm you down, make you sleep, love you the way you deserve, and give you the ability to spread your wings again. He won’t let you falter without being there to catch you. This is karma. Everything you’ve done in your life for everybody else, all the people you’ve helped, you’re being rewarded finally. I know, you had to go through that hell to get here, but you can appreciate it so much more because of that. And he’s right. You ARE the reason you have friends who love you, me included. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful. I’m glad he knows to kiss you quiet and is willing to do so. He’s a lucky, lucky man. And he’s right, you know? None of your friends are anything but delighted to be a part of your life and your heart. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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