My mother’s words started young and never quit. Never depend on anyone for your survival, never depend on anyone for money. Never have everything in joint money. Always have liquid cash. Make it for, do it for, have it for…. Yourself.
She was a hypocrite.
Years ago when Mac and I fell apart and life was suddenly so startling and chaotic I felt there was no way I was ever going to find peace and harmony again. I remember the long sad months that followed as plan after plan panned out. Finally I decided to give in and remodel the guest cottage behind my parent’s old house. It took almost every dime I had. I even had to borrow to put in a new hot water heater. Then I met Andy. I had a houseful of life. I had my things about me. I had a jewelry box of beautiful pieces, shelves of books, LPs and art supplies. I had expensive boots and a whole vintage clothing collection. I had real art. Things as simple as a blender and a sewing machine, a bike. I had what it took to feel comfortable. I had a plan. But then Andy started the hard sell…. Come and stay with me. Come and live with me. Come make a life with me. Bring your son. We can try for another baby. ( he had a vasectomy) Its tranquil. It’s peaceful and you can have all of the animals you want. Work with me here and it can provide us a life. Think of the acres of land you garden. I love what you love, we will be so good together. The villagers will love you, my kids will love you and welcome your son. You will love my heart back. You make me feel alive.
AND MY FAVORITE… Let me love you like a man does. I will protect you. I will take care of you. Leave it with me.
To say I am petrified of depending on anyone is an understatement. I am secretive, I do without and I have too much pride. I don’t want anyone to provide for me. People act like I am an idiot. Tell me I am crazy to not just hop on help. I have been berated by people in similar circumstances as I am that I am stupid and rude, that they would jump on help. That’s all great. But only I have lived my life and I am not telling you how to live yours.
I want to do for me. So no one can take it away. So I am not homeless ever again. So I never get yelled at for eating a piece of turkey or find myself hoarding fruit so I can make it last a week. I am mindful and tidy, I take care of my things. AND I work really hard. I have an arrangement with E and I earn my way. I don’t live off of him in the slightest. DO I eat well, do I drink well… hell yes. Can I mostly have whatever I request from the shops to cook for us all. Yes. But in exchange. I cook every meal. Cater their parties. I keep this big ass house, do laundry. Keep four acres of grounds. I painted the workshop and have been working on the barn with help from the guys. I wash their cars. I do ton and tons of clerical work for E. I am rebuilding the other half of the attic. They don’t ask me todo all of these things. It is my pleasure. I am grateful for a safe place. And I never ever slack. SO I earn my way. I work hard with every opportunity I get. I pay my way with that money and have paid off my medical expenses almost. I live with absolute shame and rage that Andy left me in this position. That he stole from me, his family and my friends. But he is my mistake. And It is solely up to me to put me back together. I may bitch and complain about T and E… but they look after me and treat me well.
So where did this whole rant appear from?
I am deeply, madly in love. I am head over heels in like. I am stunned by lust. Sully wants to provide for me. He wants to take care of me. AND he does. He takes us out. He spoils me to bits. I love it. I feel cherished whether it’s that he holds my hand in line, shares a stick of gum or takes me out for dinner. He is amazing and for the most part patient.
He is in the field working half a world away. He set up some emergency money in case of the worst. I didnt access it. Ebay seller fees went through my bank account and bounced it. They were put in on a Friday, I thought they wouldn’t be until Monday. I racked up several bank overdrafts over small amounts. He set up my accounts, so must be listed on the alerts. He was beyond upset because I won’t take his help. It has rattled me. He gets angry even pissed off. But not furious. Furious is rare. He is very careful with me and I see that. If he is mad he tries to reason. He is normally one of the most even keeled, laid back and funny men that I know. this pushed him into actual yelling.And it made me cry.
There we are late at night his time, face to face on a sketchy wifi facetime and he somehow or another ties this all up with kinky shit, me punishing everyone in my life because of Andy and me being a stubborn bitchy ass.
He wrote me a beautiful email two days ago. About how he loves my wild free warrior side as much as he does the soft girl who lies beneath him waiting for him to take the lead. He thrills at the mind games that come from a release of power from me. He enjoys the surge of alpha within him, when I lose only to win. The give and take, his willingness to explore our sexuality, his ability to laugh or be serious during intimate moments. His absolute unquenchable lust that makes it exhilarating to figure out where he will have me next or how… This dynamic addition to our already tight bond has made for some powerful passion. It also has made me, with no other handy words… A bit needy. I bloom in his view, my heart clenches at night when we curl into one another. I like that he seeks me out, needing me as well. Its a continuation of our fabulous life long friendship. But on steroids. I am afraid to need someone as I do him. It feels dangerous and ill advised, yet I cant stop.
And with time, as we unfurl our petals with each other. His need to be a nurturer becomes shaded with dominance. A crooked eyebrow, a tone, a few words. A part of me naturally responds to it, yet a part fears what happened with Mac. Where the division of lifestyle versus sexy play became imbalanced.
I love him. I truly hate to upset him or rebuff him in any way. He is so good and true. Right now he is in a very dangerous part of the world installing wells. His whole life is about service and being useful. He rarely ever curses AT me. So I feel miserable to have driven him to it. Miserable that instead of stolen moments of sexy loving words before he slept, it was powerful anger and ugly words.
I could have fallen in love with any person in my lie and die crew. That is how close we all are… That speaks to the passion, trust and unity of us all these years. We r all dynamic in our own right. But to be very fair, as our brother Nick said last night. At this point in our lives, it’s like Sully and I were sent for each other. It emanates off of us. Whatever our flaws, we fulfill something missing in the other. We are behaving against our type. I should trust in that.
I have read a great deal about the balance of power. The gift of submission and the responsibility of the holder of that gift. I don’t want my inability to accept help to be seen as bratting or being difficult to elicit a response… And yet it has. All he has to do is adopt a tone and look and I am instantly in mode. When we r together, I frequently goad him to get him to react in that gratifyingly sexy beast caveman way. But I would never do that over something as serious as this and not with him a kajillion miles away.
He asked me if I could aquacise, be submissive to him in certain things. He gave me one and only one rule for while he was away. One very hard difficult rule,a tiny test. I have not talked about it. I have not broken it. I have abided by it, for the very simple pleasure of pleasing him. And in truth it has helped me, proving him right. But my inability to get over this other fear of letting someone take care of me, has nothing to do with submission, or not needing him. I get lost with spoken words at times. I clam up from fear. Or I muddle it from anger and shame.
I only want to make him proud. I only want to be as much as I was. I want to trust that nothing will ever go sideways again, but life has to long and often proved me wrong. I reacted to his anger, and shut down. I hung up and refused contact. I regret that. I regret this never ending fear. I love him with all of my heart. I am felled. I am his completely. I just wish I had all the other answers.