My Boyfriend is a technical vanilla. But in truth is bent as hell. He is the kindest most decent human, I think he has had a sum total of four enemies in his life. Two in PreK. He has darkness in his past, hurts done onto his heart and family. There is a reason why he is as wild as I am, yet steady enough to lead a team into foreign unsettled lands to give them the very basic of need… water.
He is a nerdy kind of brilliant in a jock body. With a southern man’s manners and a rock star sexual appetite. In sum total, Sully my friend of near 18 years is perfect for me. We snort laugh, make pig noses at each other. We take baths together. We hold hands,even when we sleep sometimes.
He and one of the members of my old org crew used to sleep on either side of me when I was sick in the field. The would tell me stories of ice castles. Facts of the coldest places on earth. They would take turns stroking my brow, and making me safe with their word pictures.We have always, always been a haven for each other.
On paper we are the couple everyone hopes works out. I am small, he is big, He waxes poetic about my red hair, I climb into his lap like a small child and hang on his neck. We comfort each other, in a way only people who have seen what we have can do… He is an apple fanatic SO I bake him pies, He buys me wine and feeds me jelly candies while we watch movies. Sometimes we shut out the world and dance for hours. Our timing so in tune we are seamless. Other times, I stare in to his eyes and sing to him the songs he hums in the truck. He likes country and I like rock and roll.
Hallmark card approved
Or not. We move like a Muhammad Ali fight in our expectations of each other. Egos clash, duck and swerve. I am the girl that runs and he is the guy who was left holding the cavity that held his heart. I can say I want him to every one but him. So he shook it up in our last fight. He got in front of my all important points of rage. He said, I think we need a break. I did not cry. I handed him his ring and walked away. I bought clothing for my new job, I had drinks with my new work mates. I bit my palm and cried so hard my stomach spasmed painful, like a punch, in the ladies loo. I keened silently. I would not let the hurt show. All he wanted was for me to explode. To loudly announce my love and how dare he’s
Our friends intervened, knocking our heads together like a nostalgic episode of three stooges. He pulled me close, his breath bearing the peat of good Scotch.He kissed me with intent. Then leaned back and bit out”YOU need to fucking eat and sleep!”
To which I said, he needed to give me time to get used to a real us. He shocked me with the husky timber of his voice, his utter vulnerability. He said, Sweet girl we have known each other near 20 years, how long does it take you, to know me? And I thought of my true intent. I told him I would marry him the min I could,with a paper gum wrapper ring and faith, on any vista where the sun sets.
All the greener pastures where the wild horses within me graze, seemed filled with the light of his being there with me, as I keep fighting the very thing I always wanted. A man as strong as me. A man as capable of deep loyalty, come what may. Maybe the man who says I will fight ur fight and hold u thru the bad times, need it voiced that I was present. That I would battle my demons for him. That I was his alone.That I would hold him in the dark as his chest quietly quaked from what he had just seen in the field. That he too got to be weak for a time.
People see dominants as some all encompassing super power. They must never fail, or feel any emotion beyond lust. Tears from a man? Inconceivable.They must be infallible at all times. It was in his moment of honest pain that I remembered my true nature. That I saw our dynamic mend.
I am cast from a lost life. But I made a path. I decided anyone who needed me had me. I fought for the unheard, because I could’t express the hurt in me. I gave up on my dreams to mend the dreams of others. This wasn’t a selfless act. In being needed and useful I found a place for this terribly complicated Newt.
Tonight I was reminded. That as luscious and safe as a strong man is, it is made that much more authentic when he is able to say, I need to be weak, and I need you to catch me.
The stand-off ended, with my lips held hostage. The fan clicked as I rubbed his back in circles. Itunes shuffled and landed…. as he drifted to sleep, he smiled and murmured. I love this song
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall