It has always seemed..that I am not in the right place.. In relationships, friendships.. hell. Life.
But I am now. Last night I was reminded that I am getting older. I felt death’s hot breath on my shoulder and it burned like all fuck… I should be embarrassed by the bounty of love that was expressed for me..It wasn’t about me…I should feel not worthy… fuck that.. I always said you’ll never forget me. I am the girl that laughs too loud. I love so hard it can feel like a noose. But when you’re in… YOU. ARE.IN.Forevermore.
Yesterday I listened to a man who’s wife divorced him for never speaking about his emotions, announce his love for me. I mean in a speculator flame of crazy, he called me the love of his life. Without ego… I say maybe that’s true.
I have lived life like it could end any moment. Because for so many around me it has. It lends a bit of chaos to the every day. Makes for wicked good sex and has left me in hysterical sobs more often than not. Not to be a cliche, I live like I am dying. And I love the same. People in my life are my heroes. They are my rock stars, my matinee idols. The excitement in my getting to see them is not faked. They do not feed my ego, they fill me up with living. I am their two o clock whether that is afternoon or night. I don’t like boundaries. My concept of personal space is sketchy…I DO NOT CONFORM.
I was raised wrong. The orphan shows on my sleeve. SO I overcompensate. I force feed love and acceptance. I have trouble with forever and people’s families. I know my flaws and they are legion. But I AM FUCKING RICH with love from my friends. SO I guess the jokes on me.
I thought last night was going to be a house party where we all drink to much, eat to much and groan about getting old over Bloody Marys the next day. I should have known. I should have seen the vultures circling for what it really was. I sat at a table with 5 men and all but one told me what I meant to them. The love they harbor for me…. And that one who didn’t was a proxy for his brother. It was like if I was dying… and had I known what was next I might have wished for such.
Years and I do mean years ago. On my birthday Three became One. I had my first bisexual affair and threesome (because I don’t believe in half measures)…. She is JUST the kind of woman….. people stop in the streets to look at. Her coloring is unique as is her life story. She was the Dr in my aide crew. Steady to my wild. We used to walk and walk until no one could see us when we were in the field. Then hug each other…The howls. The gut wrenching tears that escaped us.. But we had each other to hold. Yea, we sobbed then straightened up walked back and got shit done.Like a fucking boss we did.
Everyone loves the story of me telling her she was the only woman I would give up the penis for. It was a Say Anything moment complete with boom box. I would have.. She is this little strawberry blonde bitch with too much brains and the most beautiful outlook on life. She has cold hands. When I lost my last child she was pregnant with hers. I went more than a lil bulu.. They admitted me into “there”……and administered the crazy girl drugs. I raged. Fuck I raged. I FUCKING RAGED. She petted me with her cool hands and warm heart. I couldn’t even speak from the grief. Jesus Lord, the love.
Forever, we were thick as thieves.. Then she fell in love with my past. The King to my Queen. And when I lost my baby and man they couldn’t offer the safe harbor we had always freely offered each other, the cocoon of the cold fingertips. We drifted. Tragedy followed. Life happened.
She called E to tell him she has cancer and then She called Kenny….its almost funny if u think about it. My two secrets…. conspiring..
She asked him to tell me and the others that she is sick. Real bad sick. I might have believed otherwise except she asked him to read something.
She sent a poem. Because that is how I cope. I recite poetry when I am overwhelmed or afraid. When I am giving life or near death. I used to recite that over and over.. rote.. from childhood….Ken read it to us in gulping breaths. They all looked at me as if I have the answer.
I don’t have one.
Ok so Sinful Sunday is supposed to be sexy. This is sad and life altering. But here is the thing. This is the home many blogs away where I first found the courage to say it how it is. I remember the pic and the man. The desire to be seen, truly as I am. Not a preconceived idea of who I was supposed to be.
So my sinful sunday this week is a picture that is really more of a plea. Please, Please I beg you… Remember that nothing gold can stay. Go now and kiss. Hold. Text. Think. Fuck, even if its only yourself. Buy a plane ticket to a far off place and take a chance. Maybe take a min where you love like you don’t get a tomorrow. Share a song. Make a change. Ignore the doubts. Be that person that did..where you take the jump, the shot, where you make a wish. I live the talk I walk, as hard as that is. Because we all have only so many days of Gold.