I am sitting here on the diamond carpet of this hotel room, in your big blue hoodie and the kitted knee socks you bought me, falling to pieces.
Today in the desert on the mountain, I saw past a ravine, bottle green brush and painted clouds towards the road that leads back to your home. And I thought, why go back at all.
Every.Single. Fiber of my being wanted to run away from EVERYTHING. Permanently.
This is the 2nd night I have unraveled, crippling emotional pain robbing me of my hunger and my tough will. Crazy thoughts long banished warring with the voice that says, survive another day. Ride the pain. It always ebbs enough to see the grey turn to light pink of dawn….
You are so much every dream I wished as a child. And survived to enjoy as an adult. We somehow find a way to love each other through every hurdle. No matter that I punish you for the sins of another man with my constant fear.You pull me in your strong embrace, tucked on your lap and growl how I am for you and you for me. You laugh at me with such a sparkle in your eyes, that I hope against hope that I don’t make it dim. My body isn’t what you deserve, my heart is so damaged I am running from you and to you simultaneously. I come to you broke and broken. A head full of unfulfilled dreams and enough bogeymen under the bed for a Pixar film.
I was in the bath a bit ago, and my fingertips touched my shoulder sadly, a slightly fading nip mark from the shower where you taught me how wonderfully dirty it is to get clean. And I realize how when you leave to go to the field for your work, you fade. The love marks vanish. The apples shrivel in our bowl, the sprinklers that water our garden automatically keep things alive that need your special touch. No matter how bright I keep the flame. I feel so deeply alone, our love begins to ghost in the night.
“THAT GUY” at work said I am dependent on you for my happiness and Billy shot him the most astounded look and walked away laughing like a madman. He turned at last and told him you seriously don’t understand your work partner’s intentions or motivations. I almost told you when it happened, but a niggling of doubt crept in…. AM I?
In our chaotic world, filled with all of the sadness and joys, you are my trusted armor. You are brave enough to shed tears at the tragedies in our life and hold me tighter than tight… Instead of running to another outlet to pour out your grief. You say I feed your need to protect and possess. To be a unit. You nourish my best qualities and argue with my worst. But you are gone during the biggest sea changes of our young relationship and our ancient friendship…. And you loved the tough scales from my heart so thoroughly.. That this time… its not my reason failing. It is my sanity and heart.
When I moved in you bought me a dream-catcher for all of my nightmares.. My lost spirits that haunt the graveyard of my sleep. You said it would keep my nocturnal safe and you tucked a piece of Joss paper into the side of it, just in case. I have actually never loved more than at that moment. I saw you as a man who wants nothing more then to give my pain and angst a cave to hide in. So that you might slide the rock in front of the opening.
My love, the real dream-catcher is you. You are my sacred.. The feathers that catch the breeze of lingering memories in your soft touch as we rest. The fragile web in which I lay every fear beside every hope.Your steadfast nature the beads and markings with which we adorn this tale. You steal the horror that lies waiting with great aim.
I more then or than miss you.
And I am filled with a fear that cannot be caught.