Hurricane

A year ago, I gave up the fight. The little girl that lies beneath the woman said no more.wp-1474236594751.jpeg

I unwound the bandages on my soul as each pill went down my throat. I let my scars weep for all I couldn’t change. 42 years and all I had to show was a broken shadowboxer.

img_20160918_152021_hagrid_pint.jpg

Unspeakable things happened in the days that followed. The gates closed. I lost my fight. I lost my way.

In paper sock and crazy house pajamas I picked up the handle of the payphone and called the meteorologist. The hurricane alarm sounded. As the eye of my storm, the calm ,went into action… I repeated the lies I was told to say. I willed myself not to cry. I bit back the horror in deep gouges into my cheeks. I still remember the ray of sunshine that hit my eyes, when they released me to my ride.

I flew far, far away a day later. I became an orphan of choice. I could not be touched without flinching. I sweated out hugs…In the eaves of an old farmhouse I played lost and found with my mind. It was my friends who sat near and whispered Please Stay.

Its was a low, low road.

wp-1474240205012.jpeg

I began, in fits and starts to find my way….I ducked and swayed with all life threw at me. On country roads I played chicken with dark thoughts. Under the stars on a roof with ghosts and in the vault of songs I began to find my color again. My verve. My cadence.

It wasn’t love, or any mad proclamation that made me remove the veils that covered my eyes. It was in parts Time….. and guts.

It was a night with AN old friend, who wrapped me in his aged wise embrace and explained to me that the hurt never really vanishes. The nightmares become stories that you tell over whiskey and lies. The scars on my body will fade as will my red hair. But my heart shines in the tears that escape from my eyes. The breathe of life escapes me as I gasp into my lover’s mouth. The anger pours into walls and crates and contracts. My past becomes a gumbo and suddenly I am glowing….

wp-1474240719677.jpeg

I suffer from PTSD and anxiety. I have days of depression that I call the black mariahs…where I think I can’t survive ONE> MORE> FUCKING> THING> Where I hate my scarred and aged body. Where I curse vehemently all those who hurt me so deeply. I feel loss all around….Where I swear I am defeated and belong back in the paper socks and crazy-house pajamas. It’s in these moments I try to focus or if I can’t focus…DISTRACT.. I pour a glass of wine… I turn on the music and move my body. I have learned to ride the pain. To breathe out the blows. To get up no matter how bloody and bruised. I have learned to take love when its offered. Steal laughs when its inappropriate.  I try to know that, with every struggle there is a story of how you survive it. A victory. A sword made out of words so strong it defeats the dragon de jour.

 

I still hide my disfiguring wounds. I still dream of letting my wild horses run. I still hate the flawed psyche, that is the coal my body feeds from. But I don’t hear “Please Stay” very often anymore.

Because like surviving any Hurricane, you have to lean into your will, take precautions and if you’re really crazy…. Ride out the storm…..

img_20160918_162405_pint.jpg

 

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Hurricane

  1. The story pictures you paint are ephemeral. I think to myself, Ah! I understand. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place. But yet, the whole picture is still to be beyond my grasp. And I have to accept that. Because I cannot comprehend how you can have survived all of this yet continue to be a strong, kind, compassionate woman. And yet you do. It just defies the heart of human nature. You are magnificent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure what to say without saying far too much, but understand when I say that I am always there, even, and especially in the storm. We will weather these storms together.

    Violet

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Having lived though most of the events in your life with you for over four and a half years now, and reading your incredibly powerful words above I will just repeat what I’ve told you many times and honestly say again – you are my hero.

    With enormous love and respect.

    BL

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That you were together enough mentally and emotionally at the time to take those first two pictures is impressive. They’re raw and intense, and they say everything without saying a word. The difference between then and now is that much more dramatic. You could tell us everything without those first pictures, and we’d understand part of what you felt, but to see those pictures adds so much to the story.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is a very inspirational and beautiful post.
    This just raw and intense and I felt every word you’ve written. This is simply mind blowing, beautiful.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s