I. WON’T. LET. GO.

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I had a moment today that will remember itself to me… forever more.

My Man and I had gone Xmas shopping after a contentious week. We have a houseful and are expecting a house busting for the holiday… We’d been out most of the day coming back from the pout above to a place of angels singing….and now caught in the snow & ice coming home… In his big truck… heat blowing… snow blasting…music rumbling…. we talked as the traffic crawled…

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I slowly found my voice…FINALLY!!! I began to speak of my insecurities, with a lot of humor I pointed out the differences between us. I counted the lost and past. Bastard man growing into viking splendor as he ages… While I just feel old and dimly lit.  We spoke of the family we make. The losses we will incur… The future we need to plan and all the children and people involved….It was heavy yet reads well. Like the point in the book where the story begin to show a plot.

Two children of the south in their middle life… at the top of their Country.. in a winter storm… We were naked but for our clothing… He admitted that the make up sex between us lately had him hard at inappropriate times. He spoke of crying in the shower after Kik’s son asked the story of why his late father called me Pippa. He talked about marriage… Aide work in far flung places. He spoke of my son and the places that might take us..of my anger and self hatred. Of his ego and his brief affair.

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We pulled up into the parking lot of the market… He cupped my face as the snow rang down upon the windshield and said mad as I make him… I am the fire he has searched his whole life for.. That fire burns as much as it warms.

For a chick like me.. Those are very healing words….

The exfoliation of our souls seemed to work magic on Sully. He was a complete fool in the market. Flirty.. so funny I nearly had a wee. Just naughty.. He decided he was homesick so he was going to deep fry a turkey outside… We grocery shopped and fought the icy roads …

Pulling up in the drive.. Watching the fellas pour out of our house… seeing Dutch twitch the curtains as Murphy the borrow dog’s head poked up. I was reminded that its what we make it. I slipped out into the icy cold and formed a giant fat snowball…

As he was lugging bags in.. SPLAT right in the shoulder blades. His beautiful blonde grey hair feeling the frost leftovers. Like a true warrior .. he lowered the bags and advanced… grinning ear to ear, lobbing snow grenade after grenade.. we chased and ran. until he tackled me in the snow.. full of wet sexy kisses.

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Larry the cable guy overtook my urbane man as he and the fellas drank beer in a freezing garage and fried turkey. It gave Kiks and I fits of giggles..

After dinner.. children asleep… house warm.. we all sat drinking port….  I stood up grabbed Eric’s guitar and said y’all I know.. I know I am without eloquence these days. I retreat. I cry. I go utterly silent. It’s not the situation. Its not anyone. Its me. I looked smack at Kiks and I shrugged and I just said it. That life seems inconceivable without her. That to have her so back in my life as we were for so long felt so right. The rage. The helplessness I feel. My fear at what life looked like after she leaves us. That I feel and have always felt like an orphan. That they have been my family. That they taught me to seek family in my familiars instead of my blood.

We all got tear ridden. The dog even seemed sad. Sullys rich voice quietly said.. Play it Boots.

SO I did. Looking at her… at all of them…. and thinking of all who are not sitting in my home. I sang this song in the style of these young girls. With a promise. With intent.

Its funny when I finished. Kiks looked at me and said.. There she is… Thats my girl .. None like us and None like us.

We passed the next hour quietly singing together…..Because Music is the greatest healing.

I said my goodnights and went into the bedroom.. opened my much hinted at gift Sully had left for me.. stripped and slipped it on… I walked around the floor in it.. twirling and moving… then I laid down to wait for him, played with my phone taking pics..

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He came in.. tipsy and heated… beautiful and strong… he sat next to me as I was propped up on pillows and placed his hand on my stomach. The devil was in his eyes and cupid in his mouth.  He petted my wild hair and sipped his drink…. and whispered… sing it again.

and so I did.

and so I found me again.

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