And in the end


I was laying here with my man trying to relax into sleep via a silly movie… Tomorrow the last remaining members of my lie and die team fly in from points away.The band is getting back together for one last concert run. For the last, most likely time that Kiks will be able to be Kiks..

I lay twisting the blanket around my finger.. My guy’s big hand in my curls stroking my head. My phone buzzes with a call. I pop up.. strangely jarred from the life around me.. It’s Billy, my recently former boss. Hey I answer slightly groggy.

“You did it Red, fucking clever bitch you. He signed it….Fucking signed it!!” Came a tear clogged male Billy voice over the wire…..My heart stopped. I swear it did. I actually stopped breathing.Then as if jolted by electricity I popped up an started dancing around the room….. Back an forth in emotions, from laughter, victory and tears….Hugging Sully, pushing the phone into Sully’s hands so Billy could tell him…Racing up the stairs and busting in on Kiks and Nick.. Crying…. Laughing…

My Boss’s Organization begins again in late Jan of 2017,BUT WITH… A new partner on board. A man after my own heart. Cynical but with a porridge soul. A man who believes money and time comes with a toll to humankind. Welcome to the jungle, u blessed bastard,  I want to say…..

Sometimes I get so lost in whats happened to me these past few years that I forget who I fought so fuckin hard to be. The sacrifice I made the loved ones in my life suffer thru, so that I could walk in the light of what I felt was needed of me. Of what was just. Not like others couldn’t do my job or be me… But just maybe… I am unique. One of a kind. Maybe this is my true calling. Maybe I just get to say and own.. I am good at what I do as a ball busting bitch.

In this past year, I feel like I am bragging when I try and explain the things my Lie and Die aide team accomplished. People not in the life, either get it or call me a bleeding heart… But not many understand the service aspect. That it comes before your children. Your mate. Your life… even now, I have struggled with Sully’s dedication in his new org. He has struggled with my wanting to immerse myself in the international aspect of Billy’s org which caused me to have a wake up time of 3:30 am and the having to go back to old haunts of my aide {cant say the name} work days.. maybe best left behind. But it is honestly where I find my bliss. My true state of what y’all call zen.

I thought alot about the why and whats of how people enter work in the charity or aide industry as I have been writing this proposal- that was accepted tonight at a dinner meeting…I eschewed formal business language and legal in the end. I spoke from what I believed was the collective heart of Billy’s people and anyone who was ever 19 to 49 and signs onto aide work thinking they will always be forever young…


We lost more than we should have. Not a damn one of us came out ok. Half of my crew is dead and we are all in our forties. But we created the kind of children atheist pray for. We saw vistas and shifting sands. We are artists in our deeds. We are lovers who love harder. We dare those who tell us to stand down. We are stars who shine for each other. We are stupid stubborn. We are so pure even in our failings. We dream the dream in the middle of the chaos and destruction. We saw where the nails held the board, where fresh water streamed from. What shot might save a life. We bent and bowed with each twist and turn of our evocation. WE faced mass dead, orphans without a system, disease, ignorance distrust. Religion.War. Natural disaster. Female circumcision. So many medical conditions it boggles.  Shunning and starvation of albino children.and that was just the start of journey….That was just my 30s

We made it thru lice, ticks, ricks, rats, mice, snakes, elephants storming, rotgut… dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, food poisoning, rape, mers,  dysteria.. then moved on to so many CDC issues with our disaster international call outs that we were HOT. A tag long wished for in a different meaning.. LOL.

I have my group, but there are thousands of us. In every area of aide. N thats what I believe in. The big picture. Every venue of Hope. Sully laughed tonight with such joy as he said… Inside your head is such a choir, baby. He is right. I believe I am one person with a vision, with a mission and if I tell another and they tell another.. If we all come together in a cacophony of voices and tones we become a choir of change.  I have seen it in practice.

So yes. I wrote a business proposal in theory.

and yes…. I am a charming fucking git-But I also am stubborn and tenacious.I don’t normally burn business bridges… I keep in touch. I help when called on. I hold favors like a check in my work. And I never hide who I am.

I hesitated on my way upstairs tonight…there was such a huge fight between Kiks and Nick her end of life lover earlier..

She is scared shitless. She is dying and it is happening without mercy or dignity.  She and I tried to drive to the top of the mountain this early AM and the ice was so slick it was dangerous. I should have and normally I would have pushed on. But I felt an abundance of caution. These kids have her for only so long and my beautiful boy waits patiently for his mama as well.It just seemed wrong and yet she so wanted to reach seeing the peak of Mt Hood again.


This life, this calling we have in ur blood.. well it demands such crazy things to remind us that we are relevant.. That we are in our minds at least.. The young. The worthy. The strong.

But what we forget that in the end…Is…. It makes us legendary.  for just a few.

SO I will carry with me the internal light of all my gone, the fading light of those leaving and the every present heartbeats of those who stand by….Up to the mountain tomorrow. and for all of my day afterwards…








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